I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize