Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
