just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
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