Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
