Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
