remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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