It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
