this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
