I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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