Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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