dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
