I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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