my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize