i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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