Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
