dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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