I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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