The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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