I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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