There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
