: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
