Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
