just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
