so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
