my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
He passed out mid-signature
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
