Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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