You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
