Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
