Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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