She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
