So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize