I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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