I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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