MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
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