Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
