if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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