I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
