I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
