i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
