im gay
i know
yea but for you.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
