i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Every concussion has its silver lining
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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