i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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