she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize