does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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