Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
