Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
