I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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