I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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