I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
