Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
3pm strippers are depressing
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
