No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
