Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
