He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
