my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
