This dress was meant to end up on your floor
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
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