when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
