You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
